Saying So to Some Means Nothing; Others it Leaves Nothing to be Said.

After a series of candid posts from my good pal Gary at his site klahanie, I thought that I would dedicate this particular posting to him. It seems to me that Gary is having a particularly difficult time at the moment, due to a number of trying circumstances. As if this were not enough, those of you who read Gary's blog will know that he also lives with a debilitating illness. I say "lives with" because Gary always says that himself. He does not like to say that he "suffers" from depression, as he is, despite this condition, always trying to find the positives in his situation. By doing this I'm sure he offers inspiration and solace to the many who read his blog.
So, Gary, this one's for you, my hairy, hippy friend. And, as dismantling the stigma around mental ill health is a large part of what both our blogs are about, I thought I would give some consideration to what it is like for those who do not live with a mental illness, but perhaps know someone who does.
Caring for someone who has, or has had, experience of mental ill health is difficult at the best of times. To maintain support for someone who may act in ways, or say things, which seem out of character for them can be a hard and trying experience. I know from my own history of mental illness how difficult it must have been for my parents to go through seeing their son behave in ways which appeared alien to them. I can only continue to thank them for understanding that I was very ill, and that it was my illness which caused such torment.
Some, however, are not so lucky. Many who suffer with mental illness often become estranged from family and friends. This, of course, can be due to the lack of knowledge and misunderstandings which surround mental ill health, but perhaps those of us who have actually been through such conditions ourselves should acknowledge that, at times, it is just as difficult for the carer, be it friend or family member. While we go through a roller coaster of emotions, the fact that they care for us means that they inevitably do the same. Some even end up with symptoms of mental illness themselves, due to the downright stress of it all.
On a different, but related, note, I think it can also be difficult to know what exactly to say to someone who may be experiencing the symptoms of mental illness. Particularly in terms of depression, symptoms may be misread for simple laziness or self-pity, and what people say when they feel this is the case can be damaging and hurtful. It also seems to be the case, and going on my own experience, that we do not want to be patronised or cajoled either. So, I think that those who are concerned about others' wellbeing have to choose their words carefully. The last thing, I feel, one should say to someone in the throes of depression is "pull yourself together", or "well, we all get depressed sometimes". Such comments show a misunderstanding of the illness and can only compound an already fragile situation.
Now, having been well myself for a significant period of time, I often find myself in the situation of trying to find the right words for others who may be experiencing difficulties. It is hard, sometimes, to offer solace to someone who is trapped by their own negative feelings. This is why I feel Gary is exceptional, as not only does he articulate his own plight, but by doing so he also offers hope to so many more, and I know he has created a wealth of good feeling through his blog and throughout "the great blogging community", as he calls it. And, the many kind comments he gets reflect that there is, perhaps, a growing understanding of mental health issues. Also, no doubt, this is due to the fact that Gary, in a transparent way, shows that there is a genuine, sensitive, caring and funny human being lying behind the illness.
So, if you know someone or care for someone who has such difficulties, it is understandable just how hard this can be. In the end, perhaps all we want to hear is some words of genuine understanding. Not to be patronised or offered unwanted sympathy, but just to be recognised as a person who happens to have an illness. In the words of Philip Larkin, then, (used somewhat out of context, I'm afraid), saying so to some means nothing; others it leaves nothing to be said.