You Took Me, You Shook Me, You Changed Me.

"'There is no such thing as a good influence, Mr. Gray. All influence is immoral--immoral from the scientific point of view.'
'Why?'
'Because to influence a person is to give him one's own soul. He does not think his natural thoughts, or burn with his natural passions. His virtues are not real to him. His sins, if there are such things as sins, are borrowed. He becomes an echo of some one else's music, an actor of a part that has not been written for him. The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly--that is what each of us is here for. People are afraid of themselves, nowadays. They have forgotten the highest of all duties, the duty that one owes to one's self. Of course, they are charitable. They feed the hungry and clothe the beggar. But their own souls starve, and are naked. Courage has gone out of our race. Perhaps we never really had it. The terror of society, which is the basis of morals, the terror of God, which is the secret of religion--these are the two things that govern us. And yet--'"

Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray".

There seems to be nothing like music to bring out an emotion. And today, listening to the soundtrack from the film, "Donnie Darko", I was suddenly taken back to the time the film was first released, and was struck by just how much has changed in my life since then. Gone is the over-sensitivity. Gone is the anger. Gone are the symptoms of illness. But, I also sometimes think, gone is a part of me that will not come back. Sure, I'm better now. If I had a job, I could probably hold it down. But the talent, if I can call it that, which managed to produce a book of poetry, seems to have dissipated. Throughout my journey through the mental health system, then, (in fact, I hate that word, "journey". Everybody, it seems, nowadays, has a "journey" to relate, and really, I don't want to become one of them. But for the while, such terminology will have to suffice) I have found that I have become, perhaps, a different person.

I don't think I can underestimate the role of mental health services in that change. From what I eat, to the way I behave, and perhaps, even , to the way I think, has been shaped by my treatment. So, the question I want to ask is, what is the morality which governs those who would seek to change us? Do they have some hot-line to a higher being who dictates what is right and what is wrong? Or is it, simply, that we must do what society expects of us, and so adapt ourselves to it? Of course the latter would seem to be the case. We would all be expected, at some point, to put our own little whims behind us in the service of a greater community. Or is it, as Wilde states, that we simply don't have the courage to disobey anymore, and so are rendered into lives of simply "doing the right thing", not because we feel it, but because it is expected of us?
OK, so in terms of mental health, we're talking about people who are ill. And maybe mental health services would simply say they are helping to get such people better. But, to me, when it comes to mental health, it seems it is not just about making you better, but also about making you more "socially acceptable". Perhaps those in practice would disagree, but I think I've had my fair share of moral judgements laid down about what kind of person I was. I remember being told such things as, "you really should have some self-respect", or, "well, at that point you really weren't a very nice person". Such seemingly personal comments, I would suggest, go beyond the boundaries of illness and into the realms of personality, and here I would say that it really is none of the business of such services to go about judging who one is.
Perhaps more pertinently, when I did once disobey what my psychiatrist asked me to do, I was unceremoniously refused further medication for my condition and also further treatment. A little harsh and extremely punitive, methinks. Disobedience to some may seem like a childish thing which we need to grow out of, but if we never disobey, how can we ever effect any change. Indeed, through my own little act of disobedience and the subsequent complaint I made about my treatment, the policy of our local psychiatric hospital was changed so that no one would leave without a supply of meds. Perhaps, then, to the "terror of society" and the "terror of God" we could add the "terror of psychiatry" as something which "governs" how we behave.
So, having been on the receiving end of such things, I now look beyond the realms of mental health, only to find that most people I encounter are "madder", more immoral and a lot less "nice" than the many I have met through my illness, and feel that if they were put through the rigours of psychiatric assessment, would not come out looking too good.
And if, as Wilde states, "all influence is immoral", just where does that leave all those who assess us and, seemingly, want to change us into more productive members of society? If all influence is a "bad" thing, and the purpose of life is "self-development", then I fear the entire mental health system, which in my case, took me, shook me and changed me, is on dodgy ethical grounds.